Without Love
by Red Tale
Summary: Raphael narrates this story, in which he and Donatello have a hearttoheart. Won Best Raphael Story and Best Raphael Scene in 2004.
1. Default Chapter

Without Love

By: Red Turtle

INTRO: This takes place in Thailand, where the ninja turtles and Splinter were visiting briefly. I have never attempted to narrate from Raphael, so let me know how I'm doing.

Chapter 1:

I can only remember three prior occasions in my entire life where I have been paired with Donatello. Once, when we were six, Leo and Mike both had the flu, and Splinter kept us in a separate room for a couple days. All I remember was that we both liked this weird cartoon called Go-bots. When we were twelve, we went topside to get ice cream, and he got mad at me because I started tagging little three-fingered stick-turtles everywhere to fuck with the local gang (they used a five-pointed stars and were enemies of this other gang that used three points, so it was funny to me). Once, a couple years ago, we went patrolling together when there was an increased presence of the foot and we decided to not go alone. In six hours of watching the city we didn't talk at all.

And were not talking now either.

Not that I have a whole lot to say to him. We're just getting pizza anyway, nothing remarkable about that, besides being in another country. Same thing we would do in New York, in fact there probably is a little Thailand in New York, they have everything else. I know they have Thai-pizza in New York, I wonder if they actually have it here.

Through the course of our walk I spotted numerous things that I would have commented on to Mikey, knowing he would understand the humor, but if I tried that with Don he would just look at me blankly, and it wouldn't really be any fun. Worse, if I sparked conversation he might be unleashed to lecture me about the food, history, culture, language, geography, weather, population, and politics of Thailand, which I'm not particularly interested in learning in that way. Master Splinter told us to explore with our heart (and, in my case, sai), and for once I'm listening to him. I don't want a bunch of facts to spoil it.

This might be harsh but I don't know if Donatello is capable of learning any way that doesn't involve books, pictures, or graphs. He was reading some novel called Bangkok Inn on the way down here. He acquired every travel brochure that had ever been written about this place, and even started reading them in Thai script.

Me, I learn by doing. I am much more excited by the prospects of exploring the city after dark, finding ways to hide, finding places to sneak into, that's how I learn a place.

Here we are at an advantage in fully discovering the city. Our hooded attire hides our turtle-features almost perfectly, so that we can walk around the street in daylight like normal people. This means that we pass by various street performers and get to observe them much closure than we do in New York, where we come out after night fall and stick to the shadows. One group in particular catches my attention so that I even stop to listen to the whole song. It's a group of six, one female doing all the singing, two playing violins, one playing a form of drum, and two making sound effects for the song, at one point one of them barks and growls on cue. They sing in another language, probably Thai, and I have no idea what the song is about, but it's entertaining enough to hold me. Donatello stops with me, and patiently listens to them as well. For a brief second, I thought I caught a glance between him and the one playing the drums, but that didn't make any sense, so I dismissed it.

When they are done playing that song, I was ready to go, but now Donatello detains me.

"We got to get pizza for everyone", I remind him.

"They can wait. I want to hear the next song", he replies, in a very rare spurt of authority.

I sigh and resign to listening to another song. If he didn't have the pizza money I would have just kept going, but I didn't feel like starting anything here, camouflage or not. I wonder if he had heard them in his solitary travels last night. Nothing exciting happened to me, or the others as far as I know, but Donatello is known to hide things, and well, we don't ever talk about anything anyway.

Some of the people leave, casually dropping money in a nearby hat. But most everyone stays, I think they definitely have potential, as a group.

The one playing drums whistles to the others, and more than one looks in our direction, than whistles back to him. Three of them meet in a brief huddle. This goes on long enough that now I'm pretty sure Donatello not only listened to them last night but also must have talked to them, or something, but he doesn't acknowledge them now, just watches.

The boy who previously was barking and growling for the song stands forward. First he talks in another language, than in English he says; "Now we sing something for Americans."

And he and the other male singer launch into, believe it or not, a song I have heard on the radio recently in America. A rap song, something about Hey Now, but with added translation after the English. What interests me about this isn't the song itself, but the manner that they dance, because suddenly my ninja sense starts tingling.

I always wanted to say that.

Seriously, first I notice the way the two male singers are dancing, and then I study the two playing violin, where it becomes very clear, these aren't humans, or else they are very deformed. All in the group are cloaked in robes, which is not unusual in this country, but they have their hoods covering themselves even as they sing and play, the violin players wear gloves, their fingers do not move like five fingers would, and the dancers do not move their bodies like humans.

I look back at Donatello, who despite his insistence that we stay is looking pretty non-chalant.

The song comes to an end, and now the two that were playing the violins pick up the collection hat and begin encouraging donations from the audience.

When they came by us, hat out expectantly, Donatello and I each dutifully donated our spare change, about three dollars worth between us. They looked at the coins, then back at Donatello.

"Hey, our sister don't sing good today", one asked him, confirming that he must have met them yesterday. I'm guessing he has a crush on the lead singer, the way he was not looking at her, and gave them extra money, so now they remember him. Donnie is such a wuss sometimes.

"Uh, she was...all of you sang really well", he mumbled embarrassed. I rolled my eyes.

"We sing really well, in English, yeah", the other questioned.

"Yes, you did", Donatello told them.

"If we sing so well then to please give us twenty", his brother dared to suggest, holding out his hand.

Their audacity shocked me, and it must have shocked Donatello stupid, he actually started to dig in his pocket. What the fuck?! He was not going to give them our pizza money with me standing here.

"What are you, trying to strong-arm him?!" I snapped, stepping between them and brandishing one of my sais in the process, so they would know what they were fucking with. Donatello carried on him a dagger and some throwing stars, his bo didn't carry well in our disguises.

"Strong arm?", one repeated, looking at his brother.

"No, no strong arm. We aren't using our arms at all", the other told me.

"Strong fist, maybe", the other said.

One or both of them punched me so quickly, and so strong, I was on the ground before I knew what had happened. They hit me in the face, and it hurt. Oh, these pricks are going to get it!

But in the few seconds it took for me to regain my feet, weapons drawn, Donatello had handed our twenty dollars over to them. WHAT THE FUCK, brother?! I never understood his pacifist nature, but how could he stand there and give them what they wanted after they hit me like that? He's got fucking weapons, its not like he doesn't know how to kick ass when he needs too. Oh, is he going to get it when I'm done with these two.

They backed off from me as I lunged, sai almost with in reach of the nearest one's stomach. I rarely make life-threatening maneuvers like this, I don't want to go down around killing someone, especially since thus far this is just common thuggary, but I think Donatello's betrayal unleashed a new level of rage in me, if that was possible.

Then, I guess just to guarantee the asshole-of-the-year award, Donatello jumped between me and them, and pushed me away. I pushed back, thinking he was just being stupid, not wanting to see me get violent. He didn't budge, in fact he cinched my wrists so I couldn't even throw my sais. It was almost as painful as the wound on my face, which now clearly tasted of blood, either from my teeth or nose, or both. I was about to knee him, but in looking down his eyes met mine, and stopped me. They were the most determined I have ever seen. Determined doesn't even come close, they were fiery and cold at the same time. Maybe had I had opportunity to watch him matching the Shredder I would recognize this look, because that's the only way I can envision him this way.

But I'm not Shredder. I'm Raphael, his brother, and nothing in this situation should have given him cause to treat me this way.

"What are you doing?!", I hissed. I wanted to yell, but that look had taken all the voice out of me.

"Let it go", he growled.

By now, the two had rejoined the company of their family, and they were all in the process of gathering their things and leaving. They glanced in our direction but didn't seem terribly worried.

"You gave them all our money. Let me get it back."

"No."

"This isn't the time for your pacifist shit!", I snapped, a little louder.

He maneuvered me into a nearby alley with a combination of yanks and pinches. Never, never have I been under his control like this, and while I could probably get free, it would require escalating the confrontation beyond where even I was willing to go with him, especially now. Then he released one of my arms and drew his dagger.

"Does this look pacifist to you?", he replied.

His voice alone took mine away, much less the sight of him, blade drawn in my direction, eyes like he was facing Shredder... ... ...

Five minutes could have easily passed by as we stared at each other. No chance of catching up to those two fucks now, I'll have to hope I run into them later, alone, in some dark alley. Like a camel, I can store my rage up until I need it later.

"What is wrong with you?", I finally managed to ask.

He lowered the blade, but not the intensity in his eyes.

"We can get more money, Raph. Pizza is not that big a deal."

"But they hit me", I felt compelled to point out. I don't know how he could miss it, in the process of our confrontation I had left significant bloodstains on his coat. It didn't hurt so much anymore, but it was the dignity of the question.

"I know. They must not like you."

This puzzled me for a few seconds.

"Must not like me? And they like you, because you gave them all our money? I'll give them something to really not like about me!"

I almost took off, back out to the circle to see if they still lingered, but he blocked my path again.

"I know it's hard for you, Raph, but let it go. They... ... ...need it."

"They need it?! Is that what you said?! What the fuck do you think we need?! We can't go around giving every gutter punk our money because you think their sister-"

"THEY"RE NOT GUTTER PUNKS!", he roared.

I must have really hit on something here, to make Don yell like that.

For a second, I was wondering whether he had ever been a quiet little geek. I was just starting to think that I must have imagined that pacifist persona, when his fiery, cold determined persona cracked.

"And don't talk about their sister", he choked, suddenly melting into tears.

Which is a little more like the brother I know, but already I was missing the other one. I hate crying.

TBC...


	2. Without Love II

With out love

Red Turtle

Chapter 2:

Caught between awkwardly watching my brother cry and awkwardly doing something about it, I took the least uncomfortable recourse available. I hugged him. This had two advantages; one was that if I was hugging him I wouldn't be able to see him cry, which was worse than anything, even with him being covered in our hoods. Two was so out of character for me that it gave him the shock he needed to get a hold of himself.

"What's her name?" I asked him. Because of his insistence that we not speak of them, it seemed like the very subject we needed to discuss here.

"I don't know", he sniffed.

"Do you know any of their names?"

"No."

I really wished now that I had more experience talking to him, because I had no idea how to proceed with this. My curiosity was piqued, not to mention my pride wounded. I had to know why he gave them $20 and let them beat me up, and it had better be a fucking good explanation.

"Why?" I asked simply. It was a blanket-why. If there was any "because" that had anything to do with this situation, I wanted to know about it.

Donatello took a moment to examine his dagger. That seemed like a great technique of avoiding eye contact. Since we were in for a long, possibly awkward, discussion I took out my sai and played with it until he was ready to talk.

"Raph."

"Yes."

"If I tell you this...you can't tell anyone else. I don't think I could..."

"Would you rather we go back and talk to Leo or something?" I offered.

"No", he answered quickly, "I defiantly couldn't tell him. I think you're the only one I could ever say this too."

"Okay. Shoot."

I braced myself. I had trouble fathoming Donatello telling me anything this secret, and already my mind raced to try and guess what it was. A mini-day-dream began, maybe he had come across them last night, maybe they were being attacked, and maybe he jumped in to help them. In the course of this fight, somebody was killed. They couldn't go to the police, so they begged Donatello to help them hide the body. He agreed, because he likes the girl and couldn't refuse her, and now was overcome with guilt at what he had done.

This story could only have taken about ten seconds to play out in my mind. Donatello still hadn't spoken when I shook myself out of it.

"I saw them performing last night." he finally said.

He glanced over at me. I nodded.

"They were singing that same song, the one with the dog barking. I liked their singing, and, since I was covered up like this, I decided to stay and listen for a while."

I nodded again. He seemed to need me to nod in order to continue.

"I must have stayed there for an hour. It got really late, and they started gathering their things to leave. One of the boys approached me with the hat, so I gave him $5, since I had been there so long."

I sensed the need for another nod.

"I started to leave, since it was so late, and one of the other boys came up. The one that was playing the drums. He started talking to me, where am I from, what songs would I like to hear, did I come to see the temples..."

Nod.

"Then he asked me if I wanted a blow job."

At this I raised an eye ridge.

"I said no", Donatello assured me, "Because I didn't."

I nodded.

"Not from him."

Now I raised both my eye ridges. Donatello briefly glanced in my direction, and then refocused his attention on his dagger. My sai lay ignored in my hands.

"But, his sister...I...she..." he stammered.

"You want one from her" I filled in. This made sense now. Donatello's all sensitive and young and shit, and this guy put this idea in his head and now he's all angst-ridden about wanting a blow-job. In our position, its very hard to deal with these feelings knowing we can't ever act on them...except maybe with April...but only if she-

"Raph...I got one from her."

"What?"

"I went into an alley with them, and she...did it..."

"Are you sure?"

That was a pretty stupid question, I know, but the only thoughts my mind would allow on this was that, of all of us, Donatello's the last one who should be getting a blow job. And, frankly, I would be the first. I've had so many offers I couldn't count, and it was just a matter of time before I finally acted on one. But here my little brother, even though he's technically the same age, he's my little brother and here he's...actually...

"I know what's involved, Raph." he told me, "At least, physically."

"But..." I supplied, after a moment of awkward silence.

"I didn't know what was involved mentally. They talked me into it, I told them I was deformed, and I didn't want anyone to see me, and they said they were all deformed too, from radiation, so they didn't care. I thought, I thought, what the hell, I'm never going to get a chance like this again, it'll be, like, a milestone in my life. But it was...not like that. The whole time I was only thinking about myself, but...I wasn't even really thinking about myself, in the long run, doing something as unsafe as this, with diseases and everything... And as soon as it was over I hated myself. Do you realize they must spend their whole lives doing this? And I just took advantage of that."

He blinked back some more tears.

"Donnie, you didn't take advantage of them. I mean, they're pretty capable of taking care of themselves", I pointed out, remembering my aching jaw.

"Raph, if they could take care of themselves they wouldn't be offering blow jobs to strangers for $5. They wouldn't be singing for spare change in the street. They're really in a bad place, and I just made it worse."

"Well, you did give them our $20", I pointed out, "I'm sure that will help."

He narrowed his eyes.

"I don't want to just give them money. I want to take some responsibility for them."

"Responsibility? Like how? We're leaving tomorrow."

"Maybe...they could..."

"No", I stated firmly.

He looked down. I could see this wasn't a battle he was trying to win, but still...

"It's just that I'm probably never going to have an experience like this with a girl again. And, instead of just...using her, I want her to know that she meant something."

"Write her a note", I suggested.

"I don't write really well in Thai script. And she probably doesn't read much English."

"Use pictures."

He smiled faintly, and then went back to staring at his dagger.

This conversation wasn't done yet. It needed a good morality speech to give it a solid conclusion. The kind of thing Leo was really good at doing. Or Splinter.

Course they're not here right now and will probably never know about this. Which means...

I sighed.

"Listen, Donnie, everyone does things they regret. We all are going to make big mistakes, just like humans. It's part of growing up. But the four of us contribute a lot more to making things better in the world than most humans, so you can cut yourself some slack here. Everything's going to be okay."

He looked me in the eyes a second, maybe trying to tell if I was being sarcastic. But I wasn't. It needed to be said, and I was the only one around who could say it.

Having determined that I was being non-sarcastic, Donatello stood up and hugged me. I gave him a brief pat on the back to accomplish the brotherly-bond thing, and let go.

"You want to head back?" I gestured towards our temporary home.

"I'll draw her a note tonight, and get it to them before we leave tomorrow."

"Are you going to be alright then?"

"Yeah", he assured me, and started walking back.

Good, I thought to myself as I followed him. I wanted to get back home too.

I needed to take a cold shower.

$20 would buy a lot of blowjobs.

I had all night and tomorrow morning to suppress that thought.


End file.
